Intro: I’m watching Game of Thrones for the first time. I don’t know anything about it more recent than this episode.

And here we are into Season 5!

King’s Landing: We start with an unfamiliar scene, with two girls I don’t recognise walking through a forest. They come across a hut and go inside, the blonde one urging the reluctant brunette girl on. Inside is a woman – and at first I think it’s Osha, who we haven’t seen for a long time after she took Rickon and parted ways with Bran Stark. So I’m a little confused for a minute, because it turns out this isn’t Osha at all, it’s some witch. Blonde girl accuses her of being able to foretell the future, and asks what it holds for her – specifically will she marry “the prince”? Not-Osha says no, but she will marry a king.

At this point I have an inkling who this blonde girl is. Blonde-girl asks about children, and the not-Osha witch says the king will have 20 children, but she will only have three. Yep, that clinches it. It’s young Cersei. Blonde-girl says that children thing makes no sense. Not-Osha tells blonde-girl she will be queen, but a more beautiful queen will rise to take her place…

And Cersei snaps out of a flashback dream. She’s riding in a litter to the Sept, where her father Tywin lies in state (after Tyrion shot him last episode). Someone tells her that the visiting dignitaries are waiting to pay their respects, but Cersei snaps that they can keep waiting and goes in alone, to find Jaime inside. They argue, she accusing him of letting Tyrion go.

Later Cersei runs into a Lannister cousin, who seems to have taken some sort of monkish vows. He tries to preach his new faith to her, but she is grumpy and dismissive. He asks for forgiveness for “their adulterous affair” (Cersei and this guy? Really??) and for giving Robert Baratheon wine before his fatal encounter with a wild boar on his last hunting trip. Cersei seems disinclined to chat further and storms off.

Loras is enjoying the company of another young male in his bedroom, when his sister Margaery walks in. She dismisses the paramour, telling him that the King is expecting to see Loras and he doesn’t want to keep the King waiting. Margaery admonishes Loras for being so indiscreet. he says it doesn’t matter because (a) everyone in King’s Landing knows everyone else’s secrets anyway, and (b) he doesn’t need to worry about Cersei because now that Tywin’s dead she’ll cancel their engagement, so he has nothing to worry about. He reckons this is bad news for Margaery though, since now he won’t be taking Cersei away to Highgarden, so Cersei can stay in King’s Landing and mess up Margaery’s plans to manipulate King Tommen. Margaery ominously says she’s got a plan to handle that…

So. The witch’s prophecy about Cersei has come true so far… all except being deposed by another queen. Who could that be… Margaery or Daenerys? Well, I guess we’ll see. This new Lannister cousin is a bit odd. I presume he’ll have something to do with the story coming up, otherwise why introduce him here? Maybe he’ll convince Cersei to adopt his religion and become a nun? Ha ha! Good one. And finally Margaery. What Loras tells her is true, but what devious plan does Margaery have to deal with Cersei? This all looks good for palace intrigue in the near future.

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Intro: I’m watching Game of Thrones for the first time. I don’t know anything about it more recent than this episode.

It’s the end of season 4, and hopefully that means exciting things for this episode!

The Wall: Jon walks north out of the tunnel, picking up directly where the previous episode left off. He passes the scattered bodies of dozens of wildlings who fell in their assault on The Wall. Jon approaches the camp of Mance Rayder, and surrenders himself. He speaks with Mance, telling him that he’s here to talk terms. Mance is interested to chat a bit, and say that all he wants is for his people to get south of the Wall before winter sets in. If Jon will open the tunnel and let them through, Mance promises not to kill anyone on the way. Jon doesn’t seem to think this is an option. And fair enough, because I suspect that even if Mance kept his word and didn’t kill anyone at Castle Black, I doubt he’s just going to have his thousands of followers find some nice empty farmland and settle down peacefully. They’d almost certainly have to raid or conquer existing settlements to find enough food, so Jon’s reluctance makes sense.

Mance asks Jon about Ygritte, and he replies that she’s dead. Mance pours a drink and they toast her memory. Jon is a bit wary, but Mance says that of all the ways he would kill Jon, poison is the very last of them. Mance asks about the giant who entered the tunnel and didn’t come out. Jon tells him he’s dead, and he killed his friend Grenn in the battle. Mance toasts Grenn and the giant.

It almost looks like they’re getting chummy, but Mance suddenly spots a gleam in Jon’s eye as Jon contemplates taking his chance to grab a knife and kill Mance. Mance says oh, so that’s why you came here. There is a moment of tension as we wonder what Mance will do with Jon now…

And suddenly there is the sound of horns and horses! In a wide overhead shot we see hundreds of horsemen pincering Mance’s camp, and battle is joined. It’s confusing and I don’t know who is attacking. I suppose if I recognised the banners I could have worked it out, but I don’t know this one. In a brief battle the mystery attackers win and capture Mance. The leader appears… It’s Stannis! And Davos with him. Wow. I didn’t expect them to show up here of all places. I mean, north of the Wall? What are they even thinking coming here?

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Intro: I’m watching Game of Thrones for the first time. I don’t know anything about it more recent than this episode.

Well, I’d been hoping to see whether Tyrion is executed or manages to escape this fate. But that will have to wait for next time, because this episode takes place entirely at…

The Wall: We open with Jon and Sam standing atop the wall, on watch for attacks from Mance Rayder’s wildling army. Sam asks Jon what it was like, being with Ygritte in an intimate fashion. Jon stammers out some lame metaphors for how it felt, then exclaims, “I’m no poet!” Sam sagely nods in agreement, “No, you’re not.” Jon asks Sam if he didn’t … have experience with Gilly. Sam says of course not, but implies he might be interested. When Jon mentions the vows of the Night’s Watch, Sam points out that they forbid marrying, and fathering children, but not any other sort of activity with females.

Sam leaves Jon and heads down the Wall to Castle Black. He goes to the library and meets Maester Aemon, lamenting that his actions led Gilly and her baby to their deaths. Aemon comments that Sam is obviously in love with her, which Sam denies, but Aemon knows from the way he spoke about her earlier. Aemon says he too was once a young man, Aemon Targaryen, and he could have had a very different life to the one he ended up with.

There is a cut scene to the party of wildlings who attacked Moles Town, with the leader talking to Ygritte. He questions her loyalty, but she says all she wants to do is kill Crows (Night’s Watch men). She thinks Jon is probably dead, but if she met him she wouldn’t hesitate to put an arrow through him. Uh huh.

There’s a knock on the gate of Castle Black. It’s Gilly! The guard doesn’t want to let anyone in, but Sam pulls out some swear words, which astonishes the guard so much that he opens the gate to let Gilly and her baby in. Sam leads them into safety and they have a moment of reunion, in which he kisses her. Horns sound – the Wall is under attack from Mance’s army to the north! Sam says he has to go defend the Castle; Gilly doesn’t want him to leave her. He promises he won’t get killed and will return. That’s a pretty bold promise in Westeros!

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